Posts Tagged ‘Snowboarding’

2012-34: The Sweetness, or TL, DR

Wednesday, April 4th, 2012

Somehow, this is 2012.

FlawsyFiles recently made the ridiculous claim that there never was an “us” in snowboarding, snowboarding was never ripped from us and that the scene is loaded with a fake history. But I’m about to disagree.

For me it started way back at Christie Mountain, home of the Blue Hills Beast and the racialistly coded slogan, “Christie Mountain, you’re all white.” I remember seeing some dude up there with a K2 board, just blasting girl methods off anything. I’m pretty sure they weren’t even called girl methods back then. The dude was pulling tricks that were way cooler than my rawdog, spread-eagles off gutter jumps. Even at 9-years-old, I knew that guy’s shit was wicked awesomer.

I should note that at this point in life, my exposure to snowboarding was essentially through TV, and TV has always made it look like some super lame bullshit. Sure, they would show footage of Damien Sanders back-flipping off a cliff in hard boots, but were they going to show him filing his teeth into fangs (Did this ever really happen?)? Were they going to show his harem of Black Flys fly girls?

But something about seeing that guy riding in person clickity-clacked with me. I wasn’t any sort of a stand-out kid. On weekends I rode bikes and played football with my friends in our parents’ yards. We would have sleepovers and sneak out of our homes, just to see what it was like. It was boring. But when I saw that guy on a snowboard, I knew I wanted to be part of that. Fuck it, it was pretty much over. I was already hooked.

It’s like an addiction. It’s just the way some of us are. We’re simply wired that way.

I can only liken it to growing up gay—this comparison I can only speculate on and do so with no intention of trivializing the struggle that it must be to grow up gay.

But I went through middle school struggling to fit in on various sport teams. Not because I wanted to, but because it was what you did. If you didn’t join the team you were pushed even further out of the acceptable crowd. It was a crowd I was already on the edge of thanks to oversized pants, chain wallets and heroes like Steve Graham and Gilligan Yoder. So I played along, and at football games I sat on the bench waiting until the last four minutes to play.

Like all kids, I eventually found those like me—those who were just as obsessed. They became my “us.” In a way it’s where I learned what snowboarding was all about. Backyard picnic table sessions, driving around for hours to find a good road gap in Wisconsin, picking up skateboarding only as something to do when we couldn’t snowboard, and fanboying over all the new decks at the shop in August—all of that is the shit that creates an “us.”

Snowboarding in those days was accepting of so many kinds of people, so long as you were a little bit on the fringe. If you had a snowboard, you could hang. Often anyone on the shred had a similar outlook.  The school-sponsored team sports weren’t for them. They weren’t very good at free throws or interceptions. But none of that mattered, because, snowboarding was simply about you choosing to do it and the awesomeness you found hanging out in sub-freezing temperatures.

The public image of snowboarding was reckless. It was still six-year old images of Damian doing back-flips off cliffs. They kept their distance. But had the public gotten any closer it would have been worse. Cigarette smoke, white dudes with dreadlocks, missing teeth, drug use, bar fights and puke breath were par for the course. Snowboarding was as gnarly as the skate and surf crowd it devolved from, or at least that was the way snowboarders told the stories. And often snowboarding was mocked for this. Look at the snowboarder in Ski Patrol. Classic public perception. Disgusting. Being represented by a three-faced dude in a movie wasn’t the greatest thing ever, but whatever, it was Hollywood. Hollywood ruins everything.

Perhaps I am looking back at youth with a rose-colored lens, but I refuse to believe that completely. My evidence comes from the fact that it is still easier for me to talk to snowboarders than most skiers. There is something that connected this pastime to each of us, and we share that bond.

Then something happened. It’s hard to say when. I would guess around 1994, but I’m sure those older then me would say around 1990. Bob Klein would probably claim around 1982. But everyone got invited in—it wasn’t just for the outliers anymore. Snowboarding was thrown in the Olympics. Snowboarding became less of a lifestyle and more of an activity. There were snowboarding teams and snowboarding coaches.

Instead of being snowboarders, suddenly snowboarders were supposed to be athletes. People committed to making their bodies the pinnacle of performance for one task only. And just as athletes participate in their sport after school, so did snowboarders. And if they had some inherent skill, they snowboarded a little in college and then they probably stopped. Sure, if it was on TV on a Sunday afternoon they would watch it, reliving their glory days.

I love those dudes who gave up snowboarding after college. It was like hacky-sack or soft drug use to them. I particularly like it when they try to dump their 7-year-old gear on craigslist for anything more than 10% of retail.

This is what lead to capital S Snowboarding. These are the Toddlers and Tiaras Tindies© (copyright 2012 Keef Love) crowd. These are the athletes you’ll continue to see in TV ads. Not just snowboarders, but Snowboarders. They are destined to be the pretty face of snowboarding. Allowed to have just enough edge to make parents call it edgy. Shaun White is Will Smith.

And therein lies the dichotomy of snowboarding. Capital-s Snowboarding will from now on be commercial-friendly, coached, TV-ready and soulless. Meanwhile, snowboarding will be night sessions, sleeping on couches, trunk beers, in the streets and halfway into your sister’s pants. So much of snowboarding is still on the edge of Thunderdome and Snowboarding has become the Truman Show.

And I’m way older now. My body is starting to fail me. I’ll still snowboard every chance I get, and I’ll watch Snowboarding every time it’s on TV. To me, Snowboarding is my football.  These days I’m geeking out over the technical aspects of clothing and when I find someone who wants to talk about it as much as I do, it creates a new “us” in snowboarding. And then you start discussing the cuts of coats and pants and how it’s necessary that you have at least 4 jackets ready to go at anytime. When you find someone who understands you’re nerding-out 12 months a year. There is still an “us,” it’s just not found in Snowboarding.

2012-30: Tahoe Time Machine Episode 3

Tuesday, March 27th, 2012

Somehow I managed to catch up on a little sleep on St. Patrick’s Day. This is surprising not because El Poco Lollo and I went out and tore up the scene in South Lake, but because we thought it would be a good idea to put off sleep for as long as possible. It was cool though. We got to hang with a couple of our Kiwi-house hosts, Tom and Tamara and USAer Jonaten. We also drank a whole bunch of PBRs talked shit, literally, for hours.

Sunday, we went back to Heavenly, but stayed on the Nevada side. I’m unsure how much snow fell overnight but the winds were blowing hard, giving us a ton of new deep spots to hit. I dumped the Cheetah for the Mr. Nice Guy. I’m glad I did too. The Cheetah kinda became a set of handcuffs after awhile. All I wanted to do was jump off shit. Besides, one of our guides Austin (not a Kiwi) had been ripping the entire time on a 147 Artifact. And he slowed down a total of zero times. Just burners, nonstop.

Speaking of burners, we were still sour diesel-less. But the one of Austin’s cohorts stepped up and was asked who wanted to make some pot smoking happen. He then proceed to pull out a full sized pipe and light it up. Now typically dudes are rolling with onies or little pocket pipes. Something convenient and won’t get in the way too much. Not this dude. He was essentially toting a centerpiece in his coat.

He then proceeded to blow our minds by loading this thing, about as inconspicuously as someone loading a shotgun in a shopping mall, and fired it up in the craziest winds ever. It was just pack, pack, snap, lit, burrrrnnnn. Directly in front of a lodge full of families eating their bread bowl chilies. That dude was a super hero.

The downside of the situation was being lifted and having to navigate flat light to grey–out conditions. I actually had to rely on some of the skills I’ve picked up in over the past 20 years. Easy-peasy.

So we slashed the rest of the day away and Lisa even fell in one time. Typical kiwi maneuver.

Day 2 was a success.

Fast-forward:
How badly do we want this, NOW:

2012-29: Tahoe Time Machine episode 2

Friday, March 23rd, 2012

After three hours of sleep I was kicked awake  by Jonaten, who due to knee surgery wasn’t even going to to be riding. “You’re probably going to want to ride Heavenly today. They’re claiming over three feetz, so you can count on two feet of the goods. You’re probably going to want to give me that PBR shirt as well”

No one else in the house except for El Poco Lollo seemed to notice how cold it was. This is clearly one of the dangers shacking up with EnZedeez. Shivering and yawning I slipped into all my gear and discovered that no one in this house drinks coffee. Savages.

Eventually we made it over the California side of Heavenly and started to rip some powder. It was fun to be back into knee and thigh deep snow. I laid down enough slashes for all of my people. Compliments of Turbo Keef I was pushing the 2013 Burton Cheetah.

Mini Cheetah review: I like riding this more than the Fish. It was fun even on the groomers. Through the trees it was quick and reliable. I was on the 159 and it felt stable. It was fun. I even flew off a cat track directly on to a rock, which tossed me directly into a tree well. That only took me a couple of minutes to get out of its death grip.

Bear attack slashes aren't too bad considering I landed on a rock.

There were still good pockets to be found, even by noon. I didn’t take any pics of those, because if you come upon a nice powder field you’re first thought should not be, “I need to take a pic of this.” I did take some pics of tracked out areas though.

By 1:00pm I was fried. My brain was exhausted, my legs were tired and we all decided to call it a morning and a good warm up. We made our way down the mountain, to the Trav-erse and onto Jalisocs. I had a California burrito with pastor. It was delish. I also feasted my eyes on this:

I like to imagine that is a likeness of is me and Laura Hadar. What strong arms she has.

Part Two:
Enough of this amateur snowboarding, let’s get real.

I’m digging this video because it has 1) Jess, who is so damn good; 2) Desiree who is consistently banging; and 3) Marie Hucal, who is so ridiculously awesome on and off the snow. Back this shit.

Part three:
Stoked on this getting re-released:

Con/A Sewer/Cat by chigliakrecords

Get after it here.

2012-28: The Tahoe Time Machine Episode 1

Thursday, March 22nd, 2012

Assume for a minute that it is roughly 7pm last Friday, March 16, 2012. You have just landed at San Francisco International Airport. The third member of your party is supposed to land at 7:30. Then you find out that she just took off from the east coast. See you at 11pm, LV.

SF was in a downpour. There were no more planes landing for a while. So my compadre, El Poco Lollo, and I hit the rental car shop. We ended up with a Chevy Traverse (pronounced Trav-erse, not Tra-verse). This is a vehicle I have some experience with, albeit in it’s GMC, nicer counterpart, the Acadia. We hopped in and went on the hunt for some sour diesel.

This was SF, right? There had to be some MFers looking to dump some on us. We started our hunt at The Fiddler Green. We thought this with be good place to go because they were showing basketball games while serving food and drink. We tried to ask our waitress for a hookup but she was speaking with a (possibly fake) Irish accent. El Poco Lollo said it sounded as if she had rocks in her mouth. It just made me sick.

Eventually we left sour diesel-less. Luckily, the rain had stopped and I was forced to ask myself why we were still in SF. We had a serious drive to South Lake ahead of us. I think El Poco Lollo was frustrated we were still in SF and not at the Benny Gold store.

I can’t really blame him.

So finally at 11 we retrieved LV at took off for Souf Lake. We made good time up through Vallejo and into Sac, but not long after that everything went bad. As soon as we got to elevation there was snow and chain controlled roads. For the next three hours it was 25mph and sloppy. LV was blasting at me for running the tweets whilst driving through a snowy mountain pass. Like I can’t multitask? I really can’t, I never once remembered to put the Traverse in park. The last couple hours of the drive was just white knuckles and anger.

At 4:30 in the morning we finally arrived in New Zealand, where they apparently don’t have things like heat. LV kept going off about how weird it was that in EnZed they don’t keep their eggs refrigerated. It’s a pretty basic premise: when your house is like 38 degrees most of the time, you really don’t need a refrigador. We all bundled up and fell asleep, only to be woken up 3 hours later to news that there was 2+ of new snow at Heavenly.

We got motivated and eventually made it out the door. This when I discovered that Jonaten drives this beast:

Check it again. That thing has a snorkel. Fuck everything else. Snorkels, bro, snorkels. Do you even know how many rivers and lakes and swamps and wet things I would drive through if the silver spurt had a snorkel. Plus, it’s sound system is amazering.

I guess this is a good option when your neighbors keep trying to steal your other, newer  truck.

Then it was off to Heavenly we went, but I’ll tell you about that soon enough.

2012-6: In which we discuss animals, humans and gods

Monday, January 16th, 2012

We’re gonna start today off with a few questions

1.     How does a dog that size create such massive craps?
2.     Are you ready to hear a story about the majesty of nature? I hope so, because it’s gonna end up like Wild America in this section.
3.     People I know.
4.     People I would like to know.
5.     WTF Kiera Knightly?
6.     BONUS! JESUS.

(Colin) 1th: Dumps like a truck truck truck

I am currently in the practice of dog-sitting. This is new to me. And there are a few things I need to lay out. I find it hard to respect a dog named for a Lioness. A tiger maybe. I mean a fucking tiger is a killing machine. But a lioness? I’ll sit a top a Range Rover and land headshots on a lioness and her cubs all day. Then I’ll bring them home illegally and get them taxidermed into a anthropomorphic setting of a family of lions getting ready to go to church on a Sunday morning. The mother wearing an apron, cooking up gazelle bacon, and all the cubs in their Sunday dork clothes, sitting around the table. To display such a huge piece of kinked out nature porn I would probably get a new place. Or put it in a storage locker, until I forget about and 3 years later Darrell bids on it early because he sees the wow factor in such a set up. Dave Hester would bid the bitch up high because Dave would know the value of some poached and taxidermed lions. But ultimately it would go to Barry because that dude knows some weird shit when he sees it. This is pretty much why you give a dog a proper dog name.

Also, this dog takes the massivest dumps. Human sized. And I have to pick them up. It’s awesome.

2st: Mild Awareica

I was recently in a city. And in that city was a building. And in that building there was a second floor landing. And on the second floor landing was the most majestic painting of two bald iggles ever seen outside of Brackendale, B.C. It was powerful.

So I turn to C-blast and ask her to snap a pic of it and send it to me, as my phone is out of battery powers. She did. Snapped and sent. Then she deleted it. What an asshole! Now I cannot share this majesty with you. You all feel cheated.

You wanna talk more about Animals? I can do that. Just dig on this.

The SIA meeting emails are rolling in and I’m not sure who I am looking forward to speaking with the most, but something tells me this is high on my list:

I hope they let me demo one.

3nd: People I know

When I was not looking at majestic avian images this weekend, I was turning screws and helping my homey Keef hand snowboards to people. I really thought I was beyond that phase in my life, but I guess not. It was wicked fun and I got a few runs in myself.

Plus Poco, Hans G and PlanetJakerzz stopped by to talk shit. That can make most days pretty rad.

4rd: People I wish I knew:

This is a list of names of people I wish I new:

·     Roger Steambreath

·     Michael Goldfronts

·     Les Jailface

·     Coffeepot Jones

·     Pull Thunderton

·     Steven Filthcramp

·     Kjersti Buaas

·     Pickles French

·     Seaver Cloggs

·     Boushh

5st: Kiera Knightley in a low-cut dress

Why the fuck does Kiera Knightley only act in steampunk movies? Does she hate the modern era? Is it that she really isn’t that good and relies on over-the-top costume work to carry her? For real, check out this IMDB list.

I don’t know why I am even concerned with this.

6nd: Bonus

Get with it: Actor, Models and Talent for Christ.

A few things to cover here, starting with “CSO, chief serving officer.” Listen up. If was going to dedicate my life to modeling, acting of talenting for the jesus prints, I would want someone with connections and business acumen. Not someone who re-titles himself or herself into a submissive roll. Also she is a “late-in-life committed christian” which pretty much means she cannot be held accountable for hanging out with gay men, doing drugs, or the like 100s of dicks she has put in her mouth/vagina/anus. We can’t blame her because jesus hadn’t spoken to her yet. No no no. I cannot handle the sham that is “late-in christianity.”

Lastly their contact number is 800-STAR-420. This is all a joke right?

Fuck it. I can’t handle the sham that is christianity.

2012-1

Monday, January 2nd, 2012

Happy New Year!
Whoo-hoo!
Okay, now can-it and let’s get to work here. We’ve got things to cover:

1th
Utah in 4 days. I got $5 that says I get no more than 9 runs in, over 3 days. Last time I was in Park City people were telling me what a horrible year it was. That was six years ago. This year people are saying “No really, this is the worst year ever.” I’ve seen this before, Jackson Hole in 1998 and again in 2004. Worst years ever.

Anyway, if you need me from Friday–Monday I will be camped out at CobraDogs.

2st
There was a mini QCC ‘leven thrown down. It was just me and Chip. And it involved Ashley’s and JJ’s Fish and Chicken.

Ashley’s: Located at 15rd and Center, people have been talking about this place being more legit than Speed Kween, which seems to be a point of contention. So we went. Parked the Silver Spurt and walked in. The interior is void of any seating, except for like 3 chairs against the wall. There  was also Mortal Combat II, Ms Pac Man, some zombie shooting game, and a couple of unplugged video poker machines. The entire customer area was about 300sq. ft. and somehow they claim to run weekend buffets in this joint.

There were several menus, but none of them had pricing on them. One menu featured “Rack of Ribs” (no pricing), so I stepped to woman behind the bulletproof glass.
“I’ll have the rack of ribs?” that question mark represents the uncertainty of what I was getting myself into.
“Beans and slaw?”
“What?”
“YOU WANT THE BEANS AND SLAW?”
“Yeah.”
“AND?”
“A soda…a mountain dew I guess.”
“$19.89”

Shit.
JJ’s: The meal from JJ’s was catfish nuggets, salt, fries, salt and chicken wings with salt. It was like $9 with the salt and a free grape soda.

We went back to Co-host’s joint to eat this mess. The ribs from Ashley’s were stacked like 3 levelles deep and came with 4 pieces of white bread. The ribs were pretty damn tasty. The slaw wasn’t worth putting in my mouth. And the beans, while they looked unappealing they were okay, but not good enough to put in my quickly filling gut.

Moving into the JJ’s meal, Chip had warned me that the fries sucked balls and there may be bones in the catfish nuggets. After one bite of everything we began discussing the finer points of JJ’s triple salting process. That was basically the highlight of JJ’s. That was seriously the saltiest food I have ever consumed. Even when my parents were in their hippie phase and we had goats with salt blocks to lick and my older brother made me lick that salt block, I was thinking, “This is salty, but someday I will eat at a place called JJ’s and it will be way saltier.”

In the end I was a little bummed out. I wanted JJ’s to be good. I wanted it to be this gem that everyone just drives past and assumes if a crappy place to eat [Eddie Vedder voice] even though [/Eddie Vedder voice] it’s amazing. But nope, it’s just a crappy place to get salty food. The mural inside is shitty too.

Ashley’s on the other hand it worth going back to. So solid. Just don’t get the full rack of ribs.

3nd
I was in the middle of bagging on these books, when someone told me how good they were. I really don’t believe them, but it made me feel like an asshole.

Whatever. I judge these books by their covers, but more by their shitty titles.

4st
I drove over my snowboard, and I really working on those lip slides.

AudioBlogging #3

Thursday, November 17th, 2011

This week I’m going on about Snowboarding (finally), Jamil Khan, John Sommers, splittering, and buffalo wild wings.  Oh, and I have music. Get with it.

Blaudio 11-17-11 by Rumorator

Shradtalk Times

Thursday, November 17th, 2011

Mega shrad in the news this week. So lets make sure we got it correct.

1. Putting the FIS in fisting, or Ski Down

I was pretty sure this was settle in nine-ocho when Terje was like “Olympics, yeah, I’m not doing that dude.” But then we had Ross Power doing monster amplitude methods and we all kinda looked the way. Then suddenly  it was 12 years later and Sean Blanco was claiming quad-corks and such. But the big this was that every one kinda forgot Snowboarding in the olympics was run by skiers.

Now that dark secret is back in the spotlight. The FIS has decided they know how to host slopestyle events. Nevermind the fact the a organization run by snowboarders, with experience hosting, ranking and judging contests was totally willing to work with them to make sure slopestyle wasn’t 100% worthless when it landed in the world stage. But off course the skiers said, “Fuck off.”

Now there seems to be a boycott brewing. I’m curious to see how this plays out. However it goes down, the key to remember is that skiers are dumb and you can never trust them.

2rd: Skiing up

There’s a lot of noise getting made by splitboarders right now. These dudes. Please.

Flawsyfiles is all about it. My friend Moefaniel is all about it. These dudes are telling me about getting out there, “earning turns”  and speaking all these other hippie idioms. Meanwhile all I can think is “Bru, they made chairlifts for a reason. Bru, there are no handrails in the world of splittery. Bru, you got Voiles?”

Lets go over some other reasons that make splittering ridiculous:

  • Where are the fine as bitchezzz?
  • Where is the jocko dude in a turtleneck who brings me my beers?
  • I feel like a dick just tossing all these cigarette butts all over nature. That is really an additional level of guilt I don’t need.
  • Those boards are friggin heavy.
  • It’s still half skiing.

Oh and then there is this:

Which is pretty much this:

Which is pretty much this:

Sillykins.

3th: Fuck this

I need one more person in my twitter trough to hype this thing.

Probably not so good on the uphill.

Well, we can try this

Thursday, November 3rd, 2011

Blaudio 11-3-11 by Rumorator

WSSF video #1

Tuesday, April 19th, 2011

Since this already went up on Yobeat, I figured I could post it now.