Posts Tagged ‘SPORTS!’

Long Overdue

Monday, March 21st, 2011

First things first:

Whistler is a mere 24 days away. And in even better news, it seems fellow bloggerman A-man will be joining me. I’m pretty stoked on this. I’m probably going piss in his bed at the hotel. You can pretty much count on our room to be going off every night until 8:30 or 9:00PM. I’m also going to recommend he gets a wrist brace, a la  Corey Chrysler. It was that dude who always wore the wrist brace, right? Whatever. A-man is gonna be wearing on. We’re gonna make amazing old man shred videos  and maybe some amazing movies about how good we are at blowing minds.

I’m also hoping to swing by the Origin Design offices and tell them they should probably give me a job as a writer. I think it would be in the best interest of everyone.

Part two:

Wrapped up the local winter season around here on Saturday, and that was a blast. Slip-slid some boxes and handrails and only fell a little bit. On the corrugated tube. Like always. Effe that black plastic bastard.

Year end gear end recap:

Capita Indoor Survival camber: It rode switch nicely, the topsheet still sucks for stickers. Definitely a great board.

Volcom Gigi Jacket: Yeppers. Super ugly. Super Tech. I like it all except the built-in hood visor was kind of bothersome.

Malavita Bindings: At no point this year did my feet hurt, nor did my board fall off. Success!

6- or 7-year old Rome Flask: Still Works!

Part 3:

I’m pretty sure this guy needs to have his windows and or nuts smashed:

Keylo must be fuming, looking at that picture.

Selling out his state like he’s the governor or some shit.

Part 4:

I’m in some sort of college basketball pool, and I guess I’m winning money. This is good for me, as I really can’t be bothered to fill out an entire bracket, or even care.

Por ejemplo: we were sitting at a bar the other night watching some game and I had to ask Jake which number was the score and which was the shot clock. I suspect he may have been lying to me.

Horse Races: Get Your Saturday On

Saturday, May 15th, 2010

I’m sure you all know that I’m going to be rolling out to Heavy-T’s bachelor party in just a few minutes, but it’s important that we also address that today is The Preakness Stakes. Horse racing is by far the best sport to be in to, except for the damn hats women wear at the Kentucky Derby. Seriously, ladies, give it up. You look like some rejected Dickensian characters. But let’s get back to horse racing. Way better than football, baseball, basketball or hockey because it’s done in two to three minutes. It’s all excitement too. None of this time-out, seventh-inning stretch nonsense. In horse racing the cadence plays, you set down your drink, the bells sounds, and everyone is on their feet for the entire race. And when it’s over you pick your drink back up. Plus you can win money. Legit money. Not like the amateur-assed march-madness office-tourney money, but heaps of money.

The other aspect of horse racing that is radder than all other sports is the names of the horses. It’s better than naming porno. Trust me on that one. Granted sometimes you’ll get one like Super Saver. That name reminds me of the sticker on the INXS Listen Like Thieves album, explaining why it was only $5.99. I think Super Saver was actually code for “not good.”

This years name line up at Pimlico could be better, but at least Jackson Bend is in there. FYI: A Jackson Bend is what happens when you go the bathroom post-coitus and your pee shoots sideways. As in: “My pee just made a Jackson Bend  and got all over her Illustrated Bible Stories shower curtian.”

It’s now that I should also let any horse owners know that my services are available for horse namings. And my fees are reasonable.

Broders and sizzders, just imagine this line-up at at the 2011 Preakness

  • Pooh’s Honey Stash ridden by Lester Felts
  • Frontside Indy ridden by Choo Choo McGumbo
  • Tilting At Energy Generating Wind Turbines ridden by Emmanuel Lewis
  • Truckstop Christmas ridden by Smalls Tiny
  • Freakonomics ridden by Steven D. Levitt and Stephen J. Dubner
  • Cow Face Pose ridden by Chesterton Hooch
  • Get Jay Leno Off The Air ridden by Raul Cifuentes
  • The Black Sleep of Kali Ma ridden by Fluf Coppertop
  • Eight Wale Corduroy ridden by Milt Lemons
  • Taco Dip ridden Geno Amanti
  • Leon Spinks and the Sophomore Jinx ridden Slip Kidd
  • Upper Decker ridden by Jean LaFabre
  • Smells Like Stripper Money ridden Camp Wrenchrod

But for today, I think Patty O’Prado is a good bet.

Putting Some More Jock in the NCAA Tournament

Wednesday, March 17th, 2010

March Madness. Pretty much the only time the playing field gets leveled and I can talk smack with mega-jocks like Keylo. Seriously I was supposed to be shradding with him last week, but he stayed in the hotel room the whole time. Smoking his Green Cigarettes and watching basketball. J-J-J-Jocked out! At one point I woke up at 3 am and the he was watching highlights of women’s basketball. Sad state, bro. Dude can out-sports me everyday, but when picking teams for the the NCAA College basketball tournament it’s all fair game. All brackets have the rankings and most people will just follow those and maybe pick one or two personal favorites.


I was originally going to rank the school by how many women I had relations with at each school , but then I realized I would have to take Wisco and UVM all the way. I wasn’t about to do that. Besides I am much better suited to run a bracket of the Ivy League and NESCAC colleges on that system.

Instead I have simply flipped a coin for every game. Making the top bracketed team tails, and the lower bracketed team heads.

It’s just like Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead over here.

Oh and if you wanna go up against me, I’m in the MODA3 bracket, which you are free to join.

Looking at my bracket, I’m pretty sure I’m screwed. Though I must say, I’m pretty radded out by the Richmond’s spider mascot. That’s straight venom bitches!

And if that bracket isn’t funny enough check this out.

Knee Deep in the Olympics

Tuesday, February 16th, 2010

Maybe you all missed it whilst you were at home with one leg up on your couch trying to push your peep up your butt, but the Olympics started. In reality you haven’t missed much. Some toned down luge event. I think Christine Brennan talked to IOC into reducing the track because the lugers were going to fast. So everyone

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is puttering through that event. Apollo Ono still has his soul patch, and Lindsey Vonn still has a sore leg as well as a crap showing in Sports Illustrated. Bob Costas hasn’t aged in 73 years an I’ve been told he gained eternal youth by eating Dick Clark. It was also reported that one quarter of all the condoms used in the Olympic Village are used by Costas.

But there are some rad events going on too. Curling. So fucking legit. Biathlon. If all skiing was as rad as the biathlon I wouldn’t even shrad. But really the closest I have ever come was getting stoned one night at The Crystal Falcon’s house and playing Duck Hunt while standing on the Nordictrack.

Of course the old halfpike events are coming up. It’s funny because last night my homey the_boss_of_you was claiming on chinese state television the Chinese are winning all the medals. I got a feeling that kind of “media augmentation” will happen in the USA if Sean Blanco doesn’t win in the tube. But rightfully so, if the kid tosses down the CulebraBlanca he’s going to be tough to beat.

But in the interest of making the Old-Limp-dicks a bit more entertaining I’m tossing up these suggestions from Brother Keith as he embarked on his journey to become the head of the IOC last night.

11 Ways to Make the Winter Olympics More Interesting

  • Install a stripper pole at center ice for all figure skating events.
  • Give all biathlon athletes snow camo and paintball (or BB) guns and make it a last man standing event.
  • All downhill ski racers have to fashion their own skis out of provided lumber and tools in 24 hours.
  • The luge will take place on plastic Coleco brand sleds and have jumps made out of hay bales.
  • Introduce same sex couples figure skating.
  • Ban nude colored spandex from figure skating uniforms.
  • Leave hockey just as it is.
  • Combine figure skating and curling into one super event where a skater gets tossed and dudes sweep her into a circle target.
  • Replace Bob Costas with @iamsalmasakela.
  • Incorporate a pow turn / method contest into snowboarding.
  • Add a full loop and maybe a corkscrew to the luge.

Also if you couldn’t decide what to get me for Valentine’s day, it’s not too late to grab this from my Celbrity friend