You’re probably gonna want to know how it when down. It was like this, Goosefeather (aka The Spaceplow, aka G, aka Grundy van Grundy) and I planning on doing a brunch yesterday, because we needed an excuse to have booze before noon. So, we hit my go-to place. Roots.

The typical Roots experience is great food, really banger service, and over-priced drinks. This time, the only thing we got were the over-priced drinks. We rolled up and were immediately told that the wait would be 45 minutes for a table outside. So we waited, because the view is better outside, and frankly eating brunch indoors is for poor people.

We hit the basement bar and scored up a couple drinks. $12 after tip. These were bottled beers, mind you. Finally we get seated, outdoors at the only table without a bumbershoot-eh-eh-eh. So the sun’s oppressing us, keeping our people down. We’re sweating it and just running our mouths about how the suburbs are completely garbage. Finally Late-waiter brings our waters, we place drink orders and he walks away. Leaving a trail of grease, like some shitbag-hipster-slug.

It’s at this point Goose starts telling me that people need to be warned about living in the suburbs. The truth is a few years ago Dude was thinking “I’m a grown-up. I need a house.” So he bought this joint in Wawawawautosa. For those of you who don’t know the geography of southeast Wisconsin, WaWa is barely a suburb. It seems more like the left side of the city. It’s not like Agrestic, but you’re certainly not in the city proper either. Now Goose is just bitter about owning a home and hates having to be there. He wants us all to take warning: Suburbs are pure garbage.

Finally the food had arrived. This was good as I could already feel the skin cancer developing and I know my farer-skinned friend was in even more basal-cell danger. The food was certainly not hot, so we didn’t have to wait to eat it. I’ll repeat that: Our food, that was supposed to be warm, was cooler than the air. Funny thing was that two more of the same drinks we had at the bar cost more at the table.

Eventually we were out of there.

From there we made a bunch of jokes about the car with the condensation in the headlights being parked in the jungle. He had monkeys in his car too.  And a python in the trunk. KRAZED.

We roll to Goose’s suburban home, look at his computers and then watched some movie that may or may not have been good. I also took the time to document how much he hates being at his some. Lookedis:

Still better than the brunch at roots.