I’m sure you all know that I’m going to be rolling out to Heavy-T’s bachelor party in just a few minutes, but it’s important that we also address that today is The Preakness Stakes. Horse racing is by far the best sport to be in to, except for the damn hats women wear at the Kentucky Derby. Seriously, ladies, give it up. You look like some rejected Dickensian characters. But let’s get back to horse racing. Way better than football, baseball, basketball or hockey because it’s done in two to three minutes. It’s all excitement too. None of this time-out, seventh-inning stretch nonsense. In horse racing the cadence plays, you set down your drink, the bells sounds, and everyone is on their feet for the entire race. And when it’s over you pick your drink back up. Plus you can win money. Legit money. Not like the amateur-assed march-madness office-tourney money, but heaps of money.
The other aspect of horse racing that is radder than all other sports is the names of the horses. It’s better than naming porno. Trust me on that one. Granted sometimes you’ll get one like Super Saver. That name reminds me of the sticker on the INXS Listen Like Thieves album, explaining why it was only $5.99. I think Super Saver was actually code for “not good.”
This years name line up at Pimlico could be better, but at least Jackson Bend is in there. FYI: A Jackson Bend is what happens when you go the bathroom post-coitus and your pee shoots sideways. As in: “My pee just made a Jackson Bend and got all over her Illustrated Bible Stories shower curtian.”
It’s now that I should also let any horse owners know that my services are available for horse namings. And my fees are reasonable.
Broders and sizzders, just imagine this line-up at at the 2011 Preakness
- Pooh’s Honey Stash ridden by Lester Felts
- Frontside Indy ridden by Choo Choo McGumbo
- Tilting At Energy Generating Wind Turbines ridden by Emmanuel Lewis
- Truckstop Christmas ridden by Smalls Tiny
- Freakonomics ridden by Steven D. Levitt and Stephen J. Dubner
- Cow Face Pose ridden by Chesterton Hooch
- Get Jay Leno Off The Air ridden by Raul Cifuentes
- The Black Sleep of Kali Ma ridden by Fluf Coppertop
- Eight Wale Corduroy ridden by Milt Lemons
- Taco Dip ridden Geno Amanti
- Leon Spinks and the Sophomore Jinx ridden Slip Kidd
- Upper Decker ridden by Jean LaFabre
- Smells Like Stripper Money ridden Camp Wrenchrod
But for today, I think Patty O’Prado is a good bet.