Posts Tagged ‘Totally Gross National Product’

2012-78: These Dudes

Thursday, November 8th, 2012

1th

This is rad. There is something that makes me pretty happy about hearing Drew Christopherson’s voice. He’s still got the midwest humblism in him, talmbout how the band had to get their shit together because they didn’t even have photos and they were heading out on tour. Then, BOOM, wild success took over. Like those dudes haven’t been grinding since the get go. So stoked on them.

Granted, I say this having not really seen Drew, save for in passing, for well over a decade. But that dude is still there.

Whatever, if you’re not stoked on Polica yet, you’re not even alive.

2st

Ski-company ripper part 1: Canadian

Just keep working it, making it all sorts of radder. You can’t possibly get better than this, right?

3nd

Ski-company ripper part 2: French Canadian

Well, fuck it. Ski company has such a strong rail team right now. I could watch this all day. Those tunes are okay too.

4rd

Got that new body kit for the Silver Spurt. You dig?

2012-67: Fuck, I need to Dump GoDaddy

Tuesday, September 11th, 2012

Before we get started, you should cruise on over to MarijuanaDeathSquads.com and get Tamper. Disable. Destroy. For free. It’ll be downloaded by the time you get down reading this crap. It’s good. I promise. I’m not always a liar.

Reader: Rumorator, What the fuck you been up to?

Rumorator: Housework, word work, staring at my green beans being a total pussy.

Reader: Fucking LAAAME. Imma go read the entries over on Fried Rats.

For real though, let’s talk about some shit. Let’s talk about the fact I now own a ladder, and have done things like “cleaned rain gutters” and “removed fence posts.” Shit, it was just the other day I said to my boss, “Boss, I think I’m done spending the big money for a while.” Then he laughed and laughed.

I’m also looking at having two mega-trees removed because I think they’re dying. And because they’re evergreens. Evergreens are the trashy broads of the tree game. They’re easy to get your hands on, they don’t really let anything else grow up around them, they’re constantly dropping needles, and once a year we invite them into our homes, dress them up and toss them out after the family has left. HEY-O. Jokes.

You know who is way better at telling jokes? Kyle Kinane. That dude was in Madison telling jokes and killing crowds all weekend. I guess he sold out every show he did, so that’s fucking rad for him. He also had fellow bearded man, Dave Stone with him. He was a very funny man as well. And I apologize for not remembering the MC’s name (Edit: Jessie Baltes), but he was really good, though he only had a moustache.

There was an outside chance of bikesterism with Kinane this weekend, but it wasn’t meant to be. Nonetheless, I rode bikes solo. I guess you could say I’m a lone wolf. A tiger, stalking through Siberian woods. I am the sperm whale of weekend biking—out there solo, large, white, head full of spermaceti, just wrecking shit when I breach—mmmmmmrrrrrrrrmmmmmmSPLASH.

I was riding at Cam-rock, A place I had been avoiding because I was afraid it was more xc-ski trails than bike trails. But I was way wrong. It’s only 8 miles of trails, but it’s certainly enough to keep you busy for a couple hours. Tons of places to get the bike off the ground, if only for a few feets, and then there’s some of this shit:

C’mon señor? You’re really just going put that there and be all like “DO IT.” Fuck it, I had to do a couple walkovers.

Fair warning: Cam-Rock is in GlassedEye country. Trust no one.

You ready to time travel?

Last weekend, I decided to take the fixer out for a spin. I was gonna pop off an easy 14 miles and had my turn around point set up. The thing is, I fucking hate out and back routes. So I got to my turn around point and decided to run the full lake loop. 23 miles lets do it. Who needs water?

Not the smartest thing I have every done. The Lake Mendota lake loop is so poorly marked, it’s under construction, and for part of it, it’s mega-cluttered by University students.

It was miserable.

I think we need to go back, even further in time:

VIDEO0005

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Fuck it. Just walk.

2012-65: Cake of Revelations

Tuesday, August 14th, 2012

The suburbs never let me down on the hate front. Hate coming out. Hate going in. The hate coming out is usually the more serious type. Por ejemplo, dude shooting up a Sikh temple in the suburbs of Milwaukee. Of course that sort of white supremacy festers in the white-flight suburbs. How you gonna raise a family telling them, “Well, we moved out here to drollsville, because it’s just more our style.” Which is code for “it’s just whiter,” which essensially means we don’t care to live next to people unlike us.

I get that, I also know I don’t want to live out there. Exurbers can have that zone, but you can’t complain when your kid grows up to be a hatecrimer or a mountain lion eats your gramma. You brought that shit on yourself.

Then again I’m a hypocrite, so I also choo-choo-choose to hate the suburbs. Though my hate tends to be much more lighthearted. I hate the ultra wide streets with no bike lane, the lack of dingy bars, and fucking massive convenience stores.

You know what else I hate? The free time exurbers have to come up with reveal cakes. That is some shit. You’re gonna learn the gender of your fetus by having it delivered to you as a surprise in the form of cake? Ridiculousity.

Or is it? I mean cake kinda makes everything better, right? Plus, if it’s a public event you gotta keep your cool when you discover things. I might start using reveal cakes to break news to my friends, enemies and family.

Following the tradition of reveal cakes, all cakes will be covered in white frosting, and the color of the cake is code for the revelation: blue cake means a boy and pink cake means a girl. Here are some other options:

Cheesecake = Probably not an athlete
Lemon Poppyseed = Jaundiced
Cupcake = Premmie!
Marble Cake = Unsure of the father
Ice Cream Cake = Stillbirth
Rum Cake = Fetal alcohol positive

And it doesn’t have to be just about children, check these out:

Angel Food  Cake = It’s terminal
Confetti Cake = I slept with your sister and it was fairly good
Chocolate Cherry Cake = I gave you genital warts
Yellow Cake = We’re poor
Flourless Vegan Cake = Merry Christmas from your atheist neighbors
Pound Cake = I’m in the kitchen, cutting my wrists
Halvah Cake = I’m dropping out of grad school to write a blog
Carrot Cake = I slept with your sisters
Pineapple Upsidedown Cake = Jazz music

Big thanks to Co-host for turning me on to this trend.

Part B:

Fuck Yes

2012-41: The At-Home Oddities Museum

Friday, April 20th, 2012

1nd: Reject

I’m not a writer. I mean, sure I type words and make marks with pens and pencils, but I’m more of an ideas man. It’s only because of my crippling lisp that I have to use words to communicate my genius. Thus, I am a writer, not a lecturer. And as a writer I have become accustomed to the ever-popular “rejection.” Both from ladies and literary outlets.

Today, I present you with my latest idea, communicated through words, that has been rejected from the pages of Real Simple magazine

Dear Real Simple Editors:
It’s been a while, eh chums? Before I progress with my surefire piece, I must apologize for the balloons filled with duck urine. It seemed like harmless prank at the time. And who could have predicted they would burst? On your new couch made of popsicle sticks and collected cat hair no less. If any amount of money could replace such a one-of-a-kind item I would certainly offer it.

But, on to more pressing matters. Below you will find easy-to-follow instructions for the creation of an Oddities Museum at home. I’m sure your readers will love it!

  • Fill a Mason jar with formaldehyde, add a pair of Oakley Blades. Label this “Abe Lincoln’s Sunnies!”
  • Fill a Mason jar with formaldehyde, add all of the fortune cookie fortunes you have collected from that take-out place around the corner over the past six months. Label this “Chinese New Year.”
  • Hang a picture of your father before he turned to drug use to escape the horrors that were his life. In this picture he is playing flag football. You suspect he might be in fourth or fifth grade. The frame is cheaply made of plastic. Label this “Lil Superstar.”*
  • Fill a Mason jar with formaldehyde, add Lo Pan. Label this “Lo Pan.”
  • Fill a Mason jar with formaldehyde, add a baby (a doll would work here as well). Label this “Dubstep.”
  • Fill a Mason jar will with formaldehyde, and add Zooey Deschanel. Label this “The Shittiest Version of the 1960’s We Could Come Up With in the Early 2000s.”
  • Fill a Mason jar with formaldehyde, add A VHS tape of Dances With Wolves that has been taped over to record the 1992 Grammy Awards pre-show. (TimeSavers Tip!™: You needn’t really tape over this Kevin Costner classic, you can just say you did. No one actually has a VCR with which to prove you wrong anyway. Real museums use this technique all the time with things like dinosaurs). Label this “American History.”
  • Fill a Mason jar with formaldehyde, add a man riding a bike with no hands. But you need to be sure the man has no hands. I mean, that’s what makes it the oddity. Label this: “Blood Sport.”
  • Fill a mason jar with formaldehyde. Label this “Kombucha, essentially.”
  • Fill a mason jar with formaldehyde, add a shark. Label this “The Physical Impossibility of Death in the Mind of Someone Living: the remix.”

* This piece is on loan from your grandmother.

Thanks guys. Please be sure to let me know when you’re publishing this one. I’m smelling Pulitzer!

Sincerely,

Greg from Rumorator.com

2st: Happy Birthday Marijuana

Pretty much the best Promo you’re going to see today.

And here’s some weed talk.

2013-5: This Too Can be Your Entertainment

Wednesday, January 11th, 2012

I’m going to see these dudes make music on Friday at some thing called FRZN Fest.

Normally I would object to any event that shuns vowels, but I’m gonna make an exception here.

Voter Depression. Or, Sheep!

Wednesday, September 14th, 2011

Hey it’s that time of year. Time to squawk the vote. I‘m not talking about politics, this is not nearly as important. But just like politics, and Dancing With the Stars, it doesn’t really matter how you vote, the lame-os tend to win and your shit gets fucked anyway.

So with that, you should probably get over to the Shepherd Express and vote for the best of Milwaukee.

Start your voting off with:

C’mon. Fucking For Real? Best place to pick up your shit rag print medium. I guarantee every one voting for this category picks the BP station on Bluemound in Brookfield. Lame-ass suburbanites. They pick up the old ShepEx to see what people in the city are doing, and to feel edgy. CAN YOU BELIEVE THEY HAVE A COMIC CALLED “LIFE IN HELL.” WE CALL IT “LIFE IN HECK” IN MY HOUSE. The only people who even pick up this paper in the city are those looking to do a crossword puzzle while they opt to get truckhoused alone at Red Dot. I know this.

Whatever establishment wins this category, I will drop by that joint every week and piss all over their stacks of shepex papers.

It’s like the USA Today and Legends of Rock magazine had a child on a local level.

Lets move on:

What funny is 4 seasons is a skateboard park. For skateboardering, and I guess theoretically, rollerblading with your mom. The rest of those going are for ice skating. Genius. Shitbags.

Keep it going

Menswear

My boys at MODA3, have got some stiff competition: JCPenny, Jos A. Banks, Urban Outfitters. This is great list as I’ve been looking for some new Union Bay jean shorts. I’m also pretty well surprised Kohl’s isn’t on the list. That’s where 90% of this city goes to get their khakis for casual Fridays or weddings, depending on your place in the caste.

Don’t stop

A Master’s in Geography

You do realize UW-Madison and Northwestern are not in Milwaukee. And Kaplan and University of Phoenix are not real schools, right? And Carroll College is in republican Waukesha so that’s not really an option. Which leaves you with 4 of the original nine. Granted they are 4 legit schools, it doesn’t make it okay for the ShepEx to pump out hackwork.

Services Rendered

This pages is the best. I hope the ShepEx has soft hands for all the dick rubbing they are doing with these categories.

Honestly no one, NO ONE, has a favorite internet provider, cell phone provider, or lawyer. What people have is the one they are stuck with. They have they got hooked up with when they were 19 and living outta the dorms for the first time, or when the one with the coolest phone at the time their last contract was up, or they had to call when the police wanted to search their house because they had a basement of weed. But all are willing to take your money. At least the lawyer provides some sort of legit service.

I think it’s pretty clear who pays the bills at the ShepEx.

DOS

Here’s a little something brighten your day:

Truckhoused #2

Wednesday, September 7th, 2011

Compliments of Chip, whose team won trivia again last night.

But more importantly…Truckhoused.

A couple of late breakers

My good man Poco has been on this earth or another year. You can shout at him on the twitter box or just tip back some whiskey for him.

Then we have this:

Well now look at this drumbeater. Oh, hold the fuck on right there. You got too drummers going on there? WTF? this shit better be good.

Judge it for youselves here: THISISPOLICA

But I trust those dudes with their music.

Also, I lifted that photo from the City Pages and it was taken by Some dude named Ben LaFond who has something to do with this.

Recall Tuesday

Tuesday, August 9th, 2011

It’s going down in Wisconsin today. I should also note it’s Twofer Tuesday at some pawn shop here in town. I know this because I’ve seen the commercials way too many times. I know this because the Cap City Estate gets free mystery cable.

We got a lot to cover, so lets do this:

1rd: London Heat

People are angry in London. I guess this is what happens when you take away jobs and public services people are like, “Fuck it, we can tear this shit down. We built it.”

Part of the anger may be caused by the confusion over the great TJMaxx vs TKMaxx debate.

I mean who’s really delivering the Maxx for the min? Who’s got more more off-salmon color polo shirts  for $14.99(Compare to $89.99)?

What bothers me about this picture is  who isn’t in it:

This girl, the grrrman isn’t in it. Picking me up a new euro Carhartt belt. Whyte folks must have gone ape when they realized this place was having a riot sale.

Meanwhile Johnny Lydon now has to ask himself which side he’s really on. You still punk johnny?

2st: This one is for A-man

Seattle is beautiful this time of year:

3th: new blogbuddies

I added Huckleberry Hart to the blogroll. You’d be wise to take a minute and read his shit up.

4nd: Help Wanted

Open call for internships.

What you’ll do:

  • Make coffee
  • Pour coffee
  • Delivery coffee
  • Take notes
  • Write blogs and tweets when I don’t want to
  • Learn to be wicked funny
  • Hold my cigarette and beer while I pee in this bush
  • Maintain my composting bin

What You’ll get:

  • Invited on bike rides
  • Invited on snowboarding excursions
  • a reason to hang out with me
  • probably some promo stuff
  • A cot in the basement
  • A blackberry
  • I free trip to SIA 2012 complements of Yobeat.com
  • No college credit
  • 12x your recommended daily dosage of “Oh, fuck yeah” moments

You’ll also want to have a camcorder, insurance, a healthy tolerance for pain and drug use, a hook-up on sunglasses and no real respect for religion or the oxford comma. It is required that you are at least 21 years of age and have the  ability to stand for 8 hours a day.

This is an unpaid internship.

5st: sounds

Have we been listening to the Cloak Ox lately?

Probably should be.

The Weekend That Won’t End

Wednesday, March 30th, 2011

I did some time traveling this weekend. That is to say it was like those college days. Except this time I didn’t wake up with my head in a pizza box and hand in my pants. But it got shaky for a while. Needless to say I’m back to living upright now.

We’re going to start with the fact that this morning I was told I look like this dude:

NO WAY DUDE. NO WAY. You can go back to eating your Jimmy Johns sandwhich. Last time I had one of those was the last time I was in college. I never checked the ingredient list, but it seems that they may have put some poop on it. Chip says feces is their secret ingedient. Gross.

But really guy, I’m not looking like that poster. When was the last time you saw me riding sans hood? Maybe that Dub Jacket in 96? Maybe that same Dub Jacket in 2000? That thing had like 5000 name hits on it. Unstoppable. I was trying japan airs off spines that one winter, wearing that hoodless beast.

And those gloves over the coat? When was the last time you saw me riding with gloves ove the coat? Maybe those Burton Universe gloves in 96? Maybe those same Burton Universe gloves in 2000? That things had like 2 name hits on ‘em. Unstoppable. I was trying japan airs off spines that one winter, wearing those gauntletted bitches.

Otherwise that’s picture is spot on.

Article 2


I’ve been listening to Flashlight, the extended version, like it was 96 and I wearing a hoodless Dub jacket with Universe gloves and  just discovered Jorge Clinton. But I think we all now that when you turn this ipod on it goes directly to Devo “Uncontrollable Urge.”

Section 3 seat 9


New paint on the Team Rumorator bike. That shit wins races.

Quads

Quints Paste

Whistler: 16 days